Toddler tantrums are communication: a calmer script for meltdowns

The floor-flinging, the wrong-coloured-cup fury, the supermarket scream. What's actually going on in your toddler's brain, and the words that help everyone come down faster.

Toddler tantrums are communication: a calmer script for meltdowns

The floor-flinging, the wrong-coloured-cup fury, the supermarket scream. What's actually going on in your toddler's brain, and the words that help everyone come down faster.

By Motherhood · 6 min read

If your toddler has ever lost it because you cut their toast into triangles, you are in very good company. Tantrums are one of the most normal parts of being one to four years old. They usually peak somewhere around two to three, and they are not a sign that you are doing anything wrong. They are a sign that a small person has big feelings and not many words yet.

Thinking of a tantrum as communication, rather than bad behaviour, changes how you respond. Your toddler isn't trying to wind you up. They are telling you, in the only way they can right now, that something is too much.

What's going on in there

The feelings part of the brain is up and running. The calming-down part isn't. The bits of the brain that handle self-control, patience and problem-solving keep developing for years. So when a toddler gets frustrated, tired or overwhelmed, the emotion floods in and they genuinely can't think their way out of it.

They want independence they can't quite manage. Toddlers suddenly want to do everything themselves, from putting on shoes to pressing the lift button, and it's maddening for them when they can't, or when we say no.

The usual triggers are predictable. Hunger, tiredness, transitions (leaving the park, getting in the car seat), too much noise and not being understood are behind a huge share of meltdowns. Spotting your toddler's patterns is half the battle.

A tantrum isn't a toddler giving you a hard time. It's a toddler having a hard time.

The calmer script

You won't do this perfectly every time, and that's fine. But having a few go-to words ready means you are not making it up while someone screams in the cereal aisle.

1. Stay close and keep yourself calm. Your calm is contagious, and so is your stress. Slow your breathing, lower your voice and get down to their level if it's safe. You don't need to fix it straight away. You just need to be there.

2. Name the feeling. "You're cross because you wanted the blue cup." "You're sad that we have to leave the park." Short, simple and without a lecture. Being understood often takes the heat out of it.

3. Hold the boundary kindly. "It's OK to be cross. I won't let you hit." You can accept the feeling and still say no to the behaviour. Giving in to stop the noise teaches that tantrums work, so try to stay steady.

4. Fewer words, more waiting. In the middle of a meltdown, toddlers can't take in reasoning or questions. Keep it to a few calm phrases and let the storm pass. If they want a cuddle, offer one. If they push you away, stay nearby.

5. Reconnect afterwards. Once it's over, a cuddle and a simple "That was hard, wasn't it?" helps your toddler feel safe again. When they're calm, you can talk about what happened, briefly.

Heading them off before they start

Feed and rest them. A snack in your bag and a protected nap do more than any parenting technique.
Warn them about transitions. "Two more slides, then it's time to go home." A countdown helps them get ready to stop.
Offer small choices. "Red coat or blue coat?" gives them some control without changing the plan.
Say what to do, not just what not to do. "Feet on the floor" works better than "stop climbing".

When to get advice

Most tantrums are a normal part of development and ease off as language and self-control grow. Speak to your health visitor or GP if tantrums are very frequent or long, if your child often hurts themselves or others, if they seem to be getting worse after age four, or if you are worried about their speech or development. And if you are finding it hard to cope, say so. Health visitors hear this every day.

The NHS guide to temper tantrums has more on why they happen and what helps.

Keep reading

At what age are tantrums worst?

They often peak between about two and three, then become less frequent as children's language and self-control develop.

Should I ignore a tantrum?

Ignoring the behaviour can help, but not your child. Stay close and calm, keep them safe, and save the talking for afterwards.

Is it OK to give in to stop a tantrum?

Try not to make giving in a habit, as toddlers quickly learn that meltdowns get results. You can be kind and still hold the line.

This article is general information, not medical advice. If you have any concerns about your child's behaviour, development or wellbeing, speak to your health visitor or GP.

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